Forced Quit.....

Ever since our trip to Utah I have not gotten on the scale.

Big whoop, right?

Well, before that, for many months prior to July 4th 

I was a "Weigh In Nazi Freak".

Every morning....go pee, get naked, weigh in.

Will I start my day out totally stoked??

feeling skinny and CONFIDENT?

or be down in the dumps, disappointed that I am 

not hitting my ideal number....again?

Would I look forward to a relaxed eating day,

or would this be a make up day for my freakish indulgences 

of yesterday?

This is kind of an embarrassing post.

It is personal, and I am admitting my imperfections

and personality flaws and the rigid

pressure that I occasionally indulge in....

I imagine it could be very annoying to read.

There are certainly bigger issues in this life.

I share this because I know I am not alone.....

and because I have been implementing changes in my 

attitude and behavior that feel more healthy and 

realistic to maintain.

So, back to the scale thing.

I really loved not weighing myself in Utah.

There was a scale in the bathroom,

but I never stepped on it,

not once.

I was on vacation for crying out loud.

I never stopped working out, I continued planning 

my classes and pushing myself physically.

But I didn't want to invite my own criticism into my 

time off if I found I was over 120lbs.

That is my number of choice -

120

I pick that number because that was my weight in high school.

....and because it looks good, I like that it is even,

and ends in a zero.

I can tell you now that I did not have a single muscle in my

body at that time.  

I may have looked slender,

but I was completely out of shape.

So today, knowing what I know about 

fitness, and the ABSOLUTE FACT 

that MUSCLE WEIGHS more than FAT!!!

......but takes up less room.

That is the important part.

IT TAKES UP LESS ROOM!!

Whoooohooo!

I still am driven to that stupid number.

Since I have gotten home, 

like I said, I have not taken my scale out.

It has been a month now.

Yowsa!

At first I was too afraid.

I did not want to face any disappointment.

but now..

I like not having to be driven by that stinking scale!

at first I loved it so much.

I really felt like it helped me stay in control,

gave me a guideline.

But I would be lying if I said it did not play a part in 

my daily highs and lows.

I have finally taken a look at where I am now.

I like where I am at.

I like my body.

I am proud of my efforts.

I like my strong shoulders....I work hard for the shape I see.

My guns...I see the definition,

and it is beautiful.

Slightly narrower hips....thank you running.

My abdominal muscles are strong and support my back.

My core is powerful.

My knees are well oiled and comfortable.

I am not skinny.

I am not going to be skinny....ever.

My goals for myself include being fit, healthy and STRONG.

Not even in the same category with skinny.

I am removing that word from my vocab.

I will always maintain the goal to not have a muffin top.

I guess I feel like I need to put this out there.

When I am standing there teaching a class I feel like 

people expect to see a certain body and level of fitness.

I want to deliver that.

I want you to see a healthy example and a fit person

that can potentially inspire and motivate you.

You will not see a skinny one.

I am ok with that.

In the  August SELF magazine there

is an article about Alison Sweeney - the host of the 

Biggest Loser...
I am not really of fan of hers, or really even the show,
but

She had had the same hang up....

really focusing on the scale.

She finally made the shift in her focus....instead of a number

on the scale,

she made it about being healthy and that made 

all the difference.  

I like her tips and her attitude and feel like I am 

finally on that track.

My Mac computer has something called a 

Forced Quit.

It is used when a program will not shut down on it's

own when told to do so.

It gets hung up for one reason or another, and I have to go 

in and command a Force Quit.

I have implemented a Force Quit on my unhealthy 

obsessive weighing in.

I recommend it.

It has made a big difference in my state of mind,

and helped me to recognize more of the positive

attributes about myself and my body,

rather than focusing only on the 

one negative, unrealistic goal I was 

unable to maintain. 

Any thoughts?