Flawed Personality....

I am going to try and make this brief, because it is to lame and ridiculous to dwell on. I wish I didn't have it on my mind at all. Last night after a fairly successful birthday party for Lawson (I will blog that after this mess) We ended up going to our ward's "Talent Night".....AKA..... KARAOKE Night. Including a paid dj. This sends tremors up and down my spine. Because I have a horrible fear of Karaoke.....which puts a tremendous pressure on my psyke causing me to believe I HAVE to do it to get over my fear. This is the FLAW I am referring to. I brought this up to a certain friend.....you know the one. She was like, you are retarded, Karaoke is a joke. It is meant to be a spoof and a funny time. Everyone sounds ridiculous and they know it. IT IS FUNNY!! What is she drunk? The people I know and see do not look like they are taking it lightly at all. My family for instance seem to be Karaoke pros or something. My sister brought a machine to my moms one time and they were all getting up to sing left and right and loving life. It really did look like they were having fun and not feeling mortified and humiliated. So I get pressured into getting up.....mostly by my self, and really because I REALLY want to. It looks so fun and enjoyable.....and for crying out loud, I have a good voice.......don't I?? Well, that was pretty much a nightmare, I started off w/ a big intro by crying....I pulled it together. But come on! My friend says.......well yeah, but that was when you were like 15 or something......um, no it wasn't, it was like two years ago. Anyway, back to last night, right now I should feel like that picture. PROUD, ACCOMPLISHED, SATISFIED, STRONG for climbing that mountain again last night. But I don't, I feel disappointed and embarrassed because after all the panic and build up and maniac stress. IT WAS SO HORRIBLE. Kev got a bit of it recorded on the camera. It is now gone, never to be seen again by anyone, I couldn't even get through the entire song. (Now I know why no one would make eye contact with me after). I sang w/ a friend, she chose the Prince of Egypt song by, of corse, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. There were many red flags to choosing that song, but heck, I had heard it before and it is a beautiful song. Not so much after we were through with it. Well, I need to stop going on, I really want to move on and never do it again. Can I do that? Really move on? I don't think so....I do not want to end on such a sour note. There is no way I am having that as my last memory of my feeble attempts at something so lame as Karaoke. I know what to do next time....it is all about song choice!!!! It feels good to have a plan. Now I just need to conquer my fear of hats!

POST SCRIPT: PLEASE Don't say poor me, I am not sitting here boooohooooing. That is not what this is about, just a little self discovery or something.....but after leaving and having a little more thinking time. THE BOTTOM LINE CAME TO ME. It is not that I gave a poor performance so much that troubles me, it is the fact that I realize with Karaoke that I cannot let loose up there. I am way toooooo tightly wound. I can't let go and be silly and laugh because it is a loss of control for me. I am no therapist, but I think that is the real truth. I am envious of those that can get up and throw their inhibitions to the wind and enjoy the fun of it without reserve. I would love that. I WAANNNT THAT!!! I have a feeling that is not something I can force myself to do...may not be built into my particular personality. I can continue to "work" on it, or I can come to grips with who I am and what I am comfortable with, and realize that it is an option to just say no thank you in the future. The choice is mine. I will enjoy the strengths I have, and acknowledge my weaknesses.